Been a while since I have used tumblr…
I have decided to do some writing tonight because I feel that the last few weeks has been the most surreal experience i have had in a very long time. I cannot be bothered writing about what has happened as this is something I am trying to get on tonight about writing… I have decided that online writing is not good enough to keep a log of my life, and my very personal secrets. I have decided tomorrow to go and get a diary, I have always wanted one and have used online but now I feel I want one right beside me, thanks to a lovely girl who read to me her ventures in Africa, it made me very passionate again, and for once my heart got a little click to focus on what is important in life.
Her story awoken the adventurer inside of me and this person, use to be my enemy, but I suppose the enemy of my enemy is my friend, but it also shows that time can change all. We are now meeting up and seeing each other a bit, although her story really got to me and once again it is a shocker to most, something now one could expect, and that is what makes it special.
Anyway I am writing this as I will have a lovely diary to write in, but also setting little things, and get aways, what I want to do, and where I want to travel. Religion for me is gone, I have resorted to an overall final decision of not believing or for now just letting that side dead for me.
Uni is going well, most of my exams done, and one more next week till January and I will be golden. Christmas dinners with friends and family, people leaving and returning home from University shall be great and I feel a sense of inner ambition in my soul. I am quite restless and wanting more.
I awoke on a Sunday cold morning. My body feeling rigidity, and provocatively not content with staying put. I arose, did my shopping, cleaning the house, with some nice classical acoustic music in the background. Although, the music kept my mind focus on you, and my mind was fixated on memories that made me love you so much in ways that only one could half imagine. When I start to think about you, some mental blocks seem to daringly hold true against untapped memories, sheltering me from these long tamed emotions.
The seconds, went to minutes, and the minutes led on, and eventually my mind started to focus like a lenses getting the perfect balance. The little things I engaged on which I hid away, but these little things became to slip in my head such as a smile, a look, a hug, a laugh and all those little things.
I remember reading in my University degree about people who suppress internal emotions from the external and the person can be seen as a perfectly lovely fellow. However, once stress pain or great dormant lingers and breaches oneself, then the problem comes to light – I believe the term to be diathesis-stress.
I am one to jump off topics off things, but this is due to a defense mechanisms as it seems to wash away pain and give me some sort of the meaning `control`. They say you are very lucky to have such things as love in a life time, and this is very true… - I met a love or the love of a lifetime. It has been 2 years since I visited her grave, but I never made it to her grave on her funeral, because my hearts melody didn`t want to end, if I could put it more poetically.
I guess in two ways she stole my heart; in life and in death. It still seems hard to believe all the great times we shared, and our conversations, they were the most endless of nights. Winter has come, and I have been patient of 2 years holding on, and it is about time.
I went to her grave, and I walked the graveyard looking for her, searching an endless torment, in a cold night, with nothing but a name looking for, like a light in a dark. I walked slowly, and the graveyard gave me an unsettling startle of memories of her. It started to bring floods of emotions to my pain plagued eyes. I felt my heart starting to get faster, and my body go shaky, knowing I know I was close. It was getting darker, but the coldness of the evening soon lingered on me no more.
2 years it has been, but I arrived on my own terms, but once I seen you name, and the date… I broke down, my mind flooded with everything from anew to the old; like sun melting snow, I could see so clearly. I could not contain the overwhelming feelings I have harboured for 2 years, I felt I was dying. Her face running through my mind, I kneeled and looked down in total pain. I talked, and said what I had to say. I begged for her back, I begged for that feeling, I begged for many things, I cried over if I did not believe in God, did I not believe she got in heaven, and there is nothing more than a body that remains. I sat so long, moving up and down; thinking about feelings that have been untapped. So hard that one person can mean so much to you and you can diminish such feelings.
My life I have always felt I have stood cold, dead to people at certain times of my life, as it started to save me from the hits, and pains I have suffered. Although, it has to be said I have always had a deep hatred, anger built in me, but it seems it is nothing more that sacred, broken hearted person. I have tried religion, God, friendships, and many other things but nothing suffices. The only thing that remains with me is me just being me and standing true of what I want. I learned a lot from that little talk, and I will continue to visit her every so often, because although gone never forgotten.
Remembrance today, Marie`s birthday. Wish you were here miss you, looking at old photos showing the times we had. Miss you beautiful. Ill always keep my head up knowing an angel got her wings that fatal day, and even now everything is okay!
Ill try bringing flowers to your grave tonight or tomorrow. It is about time I visit, and have a long awaited few years conversation with you…
The shoes that I love are placed below my feet,
They have massive heels that take me closer to the suns heat,
This can be a problem that makes me want to sweat,
So on the top of my list is a hat that I must get,
To protect me from a sun burned head,
Which can be quite a problem when you’re a loaf of bread,
Unless of course you are partial to a slice or two of toast,
Which brings me back to why I love this song the most
One could ponder on a ponderous night.. What is there to do in such a confined environment (and the time duration with it). I sit back straight writing as I have not written in quite horrifically in some time. I am just sporadically writing things and letting the momentum flow fluently and accordingly through the neural connections my brain is outputting. For example is it mirror Neurons? In which I relate writing with another corresponding stimuli via my brain? - Is long Term Potentiation happening as I write and try to use specific lobes in my head or maybe the amygdala, which would dictate and fire off neurons but during the resting potential duration of the synapse.
Writings of a bored man
A night I question my life, soul and character…